or What to do When You're Just Here for the Hot Men
Caveat: I'm not gonna lie to you, people: I don't know a hell of a lot about some of these countries. BUT I PERSEVERED. I researched hot shirtless athletes in the name of knowledge. But, please, if you feel that you can add to or correct some of the information in this about countries where I was just like IDEFK, do it. For the benefit of us all.
Also the determination of hotness was based on an intense scientific study composed of lots of factual whatchamacallits and such. bunnysayboo was kind of like my hotness beta, in that she talked me down from settling on what one might call an average after hours of searching for the true hotties of a country. Some of these nations must have secret plans in place for their more attractive citizens, because they hid them really well. But you can't really hold her accountable for any questionable choices on this list. Unless they're Chelsea players, then it's pretty safe to say I got the idea from her.
+ South Africa
Itumeleng Khune - Goalkeeper
I learned two very important things while making this picspam: 1) thank the football gods for whoever invented those ridiculously tight-fitting, tiny little jerseys they have to wear now; and 2) when in doubt about who is hot on a team, always check the goalkeeper.
Javier Hernández - Forward
If you'd like a little jailbait with your hot like Mexico. Well actually he's older than me, but he looks jailbait-y, doesn't he?
Diego Lugano - Defender
This one's for you, randomeliza. Sorry your Turks didn't make it, have a Fenerbahçe player!
Yoann Gourcuff - Midfielder
JFC Gourcuff. Your beauty scorches my soul and shit. How does someone like that even happen? I truly believe that the second picture is his default expression; he just spends all his time staring soulfully into the distance, pondering the fabulousness of his own eyelashes.
Thierry Henry - Striker
Oh, Titi. If not for your pedobear tendencies, you'd be kinda perfect.
Éric Abidal - Defender
I think the high level of hotness on the French team is all to make up for the existence of Franck Ribéry.
Clemente Rodríguez - Defender
They make them talented in Argentina, but they don't generally make them pretty, was what I found. But this guy's pretty good. No idea who he is, though!
Gonzalo Higuaín - Striker
As much as it pains me to include Real Madrid players, I am trying to be fair and unbiased. Like FOX News. ANYWAY, boy got a serious upgrade on the hotness scale after he lost his nasty mullet. A footballer's hotness can live or die by his hair choices. And Gonzo kinda looks like an Argentinian muppet version of Evan Lysacek. Or is it just me?
Peter Odemwingie - Forward
Odemwingie gives us a little taste of Russia in our sadly Russian-free World Cup, as he was born in what was then the Soviet Union and now plays for Lokomotiv Moscow. Wow, I didn't realize how much figure skating was in my head until this very moment. Dammit, Johnny Weir.
+ South Korea
Ahn Jung-Hwan - Striker
From what I've seen of the South Korean NT in my in depth google image searches, I feel like they should all come out onto the pitch with perfect hair and sartorial choices that put the opposition to shame. I will be greatly disappointed if this does not happen. ONLY YOU CAN MAKE THE WORLD CUP FABULOUS, SOUTH KOREA. You and Yoann Gourcuff.
Ki Sung-Yong - Midfielder
You see what I mean about the hair?
Giourkas Seitaridis - Defender
To me, he will always be Greek Matthew Fox.
Georgios Samaras - Striker
In the wise words of bunnysayboo: "If Sergio Ramos was hot, that's what he'd look like." A nosejob or two back for the Ramos, I could see it!
Steven Gerrard - Midfielder
HE'S BIG AND HE'S EFFING HARD. If this man came to my door I would tear all my clothes off and launch myself at him. I would projectile fangirl myself. I'm not even gonna lie about it.
Frank Lampard - Midfielder
More wise words from bunnysayboo, who knows shit about Frank Lampard: "if you like pretentious well-spoken why are you playing football when you could be writing books Mr IQ of over 150 then Frank Lampard is for you." Also super gay for John Terry. Well, he was.
Glen Johnson - Defender
I honestly don't know if other people find Glen attractive. But I love him. HIS SMILE. I love it. And so does Stevie G. (Well, he did then, at least.)
+ United States of America
Carlos Bocanegra - Defender
Oh, Carlos, noble captain of the Good Ship Holy Shit the USMNT Is Surprisingly Really Fucking Hot.
Benny Feilhaber - Midfielder
Bennnnnnnnnnnny. That's the most intelligent comment I have for him.
Oguchi Onyewu - Defender
GOOCH. JESUS H. CHRIST ON A CRACKER, SIR.
Anthar Yahia - Defender
Scored the goal that sent Algeria to the World Cup. Apparently looked smoldering and broody while doing so.
Robert Koren - Midfielder
Valter Birsa - Forward
If you like yourself a large-nosed Slovene. And I do.
(This list really should include hotasses like Michael Ballack and René Adler, but the world is a cockblocking, cruel mistress. In memoriam of all the hot Germans we lost to injuries, politics, and retirement, here's a post I made a year ago when I got annoyed with people trying to claim that David Villa was one of the top ten hottest footballers. EXCUSE ME WHILE I THROW UP AND CRY IN FEAR OF A DAY WHEN THAT IS TRUE.)
Arne Friedrich - Defender
Don't let the soulful eyes fool you: he's an evil conniving little shit. But, y'know, still hot.
Piotr Trochowski - Midfielder
I want to stare into his chocolatey orbs. Thanks for doing your part for the German hotness quotient. We've had a lot of tough losses lately and we need you to hang in there.
Lukas Podolski - Forward
LU-LU-LU-LUKAS PODOLSKI. The giant balls picture never gets old. Too bad he's already spoken for. (That link is insanely pic-heavy, btw, so don't click it if your computer can't handle an intense overload of German gays.)
Harry Kewell - Striker
Footballers and modeling: a match made in heaven. Also, yes, I do have a soft spot for current and former scousers. Well, certain former scousers.
Lucas Neill - Defender
Tim Cahill - Midfielder
Australia is hot. It's just easier to take off your clothes.
Nemanja Vidić - Defender
I had to look through Manchester United picspams to find the appropriate pictures for this. I FEEL DIRTY INSIDE. That is how devoted I am to bringing you as comprehensive a picspam as possible. Plus no picspam proclaiming to provide hotties of football would be complete without everyone's favorite scary-yet-charming Serb.
Dejan Stanković - Midfielder
Half of me is thankful for the Vanity Fair footballers in underwear issue, the other half is still scarred from Landon Donovan.
John Mensah - Defender
This guy's been at more clubs than an Arsenal player! BA DUM CHA. ... Sorry.
Hans Sarpei - Defender
Rafael van der Vaart - Midfielder
Arguably less famous/awesome/hot than his wife, but still okay.
Klaas-Jan Huntelaar - Striker
If you go for the starved model look.
Daniel Agger - Defender
The level of desire I feel to lick this man is worrisome.
Nicklas Bendtner - Striker
6'4". Just keeps going on forever.
Thomas Sørensen - Goalkeeper
God, I love the Danish.
Simon Kjær - Defender
Holy platinum twink, Batman! Bojan Krkić called, he wants his pervy older men back.
Makoto Hasebe - Midfielder
Fun fact: Hasebe is only the second Japanese footballer to have won the Bundesliga title. I'm full of exciting trivia.
Atsuto Uchida - Defender
Alex Song - Midfielder
A footballer with hair on his chest? What kind of sick fucking world do we live in?
Fabio Cannavaro - Defender
It's actually more difficult to find pictures of Canna clothed than it is to find pictures of him naked. Also I realize that I really should've had more Italians in this picspam but the ones I had kept getting knocked off the final squad so in the end I was just like FUCK IT. If you have more Italians, please spam the comments.
Roque Santa Cruz - Striker
I may have been lazy with researching Paraguayans, but no one could ever compete with Roque. It just wouldn't be fair.
+ New Zealand
Shane Smeltz - Forward
Andy Barron - Midfielder
This team has amateur players, and Barron is one of them. Like, guys who play a game with their club or country and then go to work at the office the next day and fill out some spreadsheets. Can you imagine going from some desk job to playing at the World Cup with some of the most talented, famous, and highly-paid athletes in the world? It's pretty common in women's football, but practically unheard of at this level of the men's sport. And that is why it's pretty difficult to not love this team a little bit.
Martin Škrtel - Defender
If you like that, "I just murdered someone and felt no emotions about it" kind of look. Also totally looks like Wentworth Miller, you're not just imagining it. Prison Break season 5: THIS TIME THE PRISON'S IN SLOVAKIA. Love you, Squirtle!
Ján Ďurica - Defender
Kaká - Midfielder
A manboy who's big on the Jesus yet still BFF with Cristiano Ronaldo. Probably the only footballer in existence who didn't have sex until he was married.
Nilmar - Striker
Grafite('s Abs) - Striker
Grafite has made all of two appearances for Brazil, so he was a surprise choice for the squad. I was mostly just happy because it meant I could include Grafite's Ridiculous Sculpted Body in this picspam. He has a bad case of the Michael Phelps, but that's nothing that a conscientiously lit room can't take care of.
+ North Korea
Ri Myong-Guk - Goalkeeper
*sigh* I think you probably wouldn't be too surprised if I said that it is next to impossible to find good pictures of North Korean footballers, especially considering that all but two or three of them play in the North Korean league. At about five pages into a google search it all devolves into pictures of missiles, South Korean celebrities, and - inevitably - porn. I did the best that I could.
+ Côte d'Ivoire
Didier Drogba - Striker
So the man's kind of a raging egomanic jerk on the pitch, but off the pitch he's basically a saint who played a pretty significant part in helping to end civil war in the Ivory Coast and spends large amounts of his fortune building hospitals there. IDEK. One of the most prominent examples of why you cannot judge an athlete based on how they act on the pitch/court/diamond/whatever. Also: FOOTBALL HELPED END A CIVIL WAR. I always think of this story when people try to tell me how meaningless football is. :)
Salomon Kalou - Forward
Miguel Veloso - Midfielder
You, sir, have very questionable hair sometimes. But it's kind of okay. And, look, sorry but this is it for Portugal. I refuse to include Cristiano Ronaldo as a matter of principle and personal integrity.
ETA: I DIDN'T INCLUDE RONALDO. Or Xabi Alonso or David villa or whoeverthefuck. If you miss them that much, make your own picspam.
Fernando Torres - Striker
His recent hair drama has been worrisome, but I think we may have finally gotten things under control again. Mmmm. Freckles.
Iker Casillas - Goalkeeper
There's a reason they call him San Iker.
Blaise Nkufo - Striker
Diego Benaglio - Goalkeeper
David Suazo - Striker
Mark González - Forward
Alexis Sánchez - Forward
If you wanted a tiny, tiny bathing suit, Alexis, you probably could have bought it somewhere.
Credits: the most tenacious googling ever performed on this planet, plus Kickette and ontd_football.
The 2010 World Cup kicks off on Friday, June 11th at 10AM EST/4PM UTC+02!